Welcome to the Philharmonic Phunnies page for funny music related columns and jokes. I hope to expand this page greatly in the near future. Suggestions are welcome. I'm not looking for 500 viola jokes (there are other places on the web to find that) and I always want to credit the creator of any material posted here. I hope to have something new at least every month.

Here are a few new things that were forwarded to me recently, don't know who to credit:

   After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, the last child moves out of the house and Mom and Dad announce that they're getting a divorce. The kids are totally distraught and pay for a session with the world's most famous marriage counselor as a last stab at keeping their parents together. The counselor works for hours, tries all of his methods, but the couple still won't even talk to each other. Finally he goes over to a closet, brings out a beautiful upright bass and begins to play. After a minute, the couple start talking. The therapist keeps soloing on the bass and the couple discover that they're not actually that far apart and decide to give their marriage another try. The kids are amazed and ask the doctor how he managed to do it. He replies, "I've never seen a couple that wouldn't talk through a bass solo."

Postcards from camp.

Arnold Schoenberg:

Dear ma & pa. How are you? I am fine. Love Arnold.

Arnold love, fine am I. you are how? pa & ma dear.

dlonrA evoL .enif ma I ?uoy era woH .ap & am reaD

.read am & ap ?woh era uoy .I ma enif ,evol dlonrA

Philip Glass:

Hello heh heh hello, o-hell o-hell oh

ellow ellow heh heh heh hello mama

mama muh muh muh-mah, ah ah ah

ahhhh! Aye aye aye aye aye yam

yam yam yam Eye yam yam Fie aye aye

aye fuh fuh fuh fie un yun yun yun

Hah hah aha hah ow ow ow wow

ow wow ow ow ah hah aha haha are

are are are yuh huh huh huh yuh

you? oooh. oooooh.


John Cage:

Here is one installment of a column written by violinist and composer Ann Taylor. She is planning a whole book of Aunt Asta columns in the near future. I'll post info about that when the book is out. CLICK HERE to contact Ann.

Ask Aunt Asta

by  Ann Taylor

Having now spent an extended period of time in seclusion and extensive research on Cat Island in the Gulf of Mexico while tied to a tree and communicating with the spirit of painter Walter Anderson, Aunt ASTA has just released a comprehensive yet concise dictionary of musical styles, from which the following have been extracted in hopes of producing a quickly enlightened segment of the art world:

Atonality:  (a tonality  i.e. one tonality)  1. music in one key; no visitors allowed [intensive care and isolation for the impatient's (key) own good].  2. the collective by-product of first year band and orchestra students.

Baroque:  (ba-roque, br-oke) the key in which professional musicians most often find themselves.

Classical: muzak to Joe Schmoe on the street: anything with strings or french horns playing         mezzo forte or less in a pleasant but monotonous manner.

Diatonic: (die-a-ton-ic) music that is deadly when mixed with gin.

Folk: product of coffee and tofu consumption.

Minimalism:  just barely (minimally) music.

Modern:  equivalent of a stale banana moon pie.

Pandiatonicism:  deadly music that attacks armed with a cast iron frying pan.

Pentatonic:  five parts gin to one part tonic.

 rap:   for marketing reasons, the 'C' is invisible.

Renaissance:   older than dirt, style abandoned due to its habitual misspelling

Rock:   earthy music, named for the "thumpers", the creatures with megabass, megaloud car stereos: the powerful sonic waves further compress the tiny brains of the vehicles'owners towards the density of rocks.

Twelve Tone:  based on the Pitch of the Month Club which utilizes the astrological signs of the Zodiac.

copyright Ann Taylor